Being in conversation with thousands of men has made us privy to countless heart-rending stories and revealed many of the deep challenges that men in our country are facing. Our team has had the privilege of playing a small part in helping men improve their lives and the lives of their loved ones. Here are some of their stories:
Audio recordings of men who have reached out (used with their permission)
“You saved my life.“
“Since my husband joined the programme I have seen such progress.“
“I feel like a new person.”
“Hi brothers this is Lucky from Cosmo City. I was a guy with a lot of anger, and I would get furious. My problem was taking it out on the wrong people, victimizing the wrong person. These groups have been beneficial; it has worked for me. I am now one of the most revived, I feel like a new person. My current relationship is good because of this. What I have learnt now is self-control. Being a man does not mean I should use my strength to mistreat women. Use your power for good. Don’t abuse other people just because you have power. Secondly, I want to thank this group, I am now seeing things differently. I don’t react the way I used to react before. I can now control my temper. What I have seen is that I am affecting the people around me who I am supposed to protect and support. Therefore, I found the six virtues very helpful, now even my life seems to be in a much better place. I’ve started being a father that reasons and not fight all the time, now the love is even better at home. There are no fights, the children are happy at home. This has been beneficial. Thank you. I am enjoying this new me because of the virtues. Thank you very much. I wish things go well for you guys as they are with me. I used to underestimate this when I started joining. To be serious, I’ve seen a huge difference, it’s like there’s a new me. Due to our talks. Let’s keep it up guys. Motivating each other, correcting each other in whatever we do. Thank you.“
“My mentor taught me not to let anger get the better of me.“
“The issue that I had was that the mother of my child was cheating on me, worst part is that it was with someone that I knew very well. So, I was very angry, so the mentor called me, he encouraged me a lot and gave me advice, taught me not to let anger get the better of me. So, after that call, I made a decision. I got to know that anger won’t solve anything. Rather we end our romantic relationship, but I’m still a present father. We managed to solve that problem. She lets me see the baby and there is no problem now. They helped me a lot.“
“I’ve learnt so much… that abuse against women is a big no.“
“What I’ve learnt from this mentorship by FAN, some of the things are stuff that I was looking at from afar, others I used be ignorant of because of the lack of knowledge. But I got lucky cause I got to interact with a mentor. He opened my eyes. There is a lot that men do but sometimes they do them because they lack knowledge. Other decisions they make are caused by lack of knowledge. They lack proper father figures, who are going to teach them how things are done. I’ve learnt so much that now if I have a problem, I speak up about it. and that abuse against women is a big no. Also respect at home, respect people you live with and neighbours too.“
“I’d say I’ve learnt a lot but what stood out to me a lot was gender based violence.“
“My name Cebo’elihle. I’m here to testify about the help I got from Father A Nation and their mentors, my testimony about this gathering, I’d say I’ve learnt a lot but what stood out to me a lot was gender based violence. I learnt a lot and now I know that when you’re a man you shouldn’t let feelings control you and that a lot of decisions actually need you to think properly before you act on them because when you’re a man, the moment you raise your hand and hit a woman, you risk your life so much that jail is just waiting for you. Then everyone at home that is dependent on you or looks up to you, will be left suffering because of your action that was distasteful and not thought through properly before it was done. There is a lot more that I have learnt about manhood as man that still growing up and as I grow up I will try to apply, than one day I will be able to tell others that Father A Nation help me with this and that is why I am the man you see here today.“
“Please keep motivating us, we’ll be better men soon.“
“The group is treating me well; I can now handle myself. The motivation we get is really helpful. I can control my anger. Please keep motivating us, we’ll be better men soon.“
“Now my life is way better.“
“My life was very hard while growing up, I was staying with my Grandparents, my parents were absent. It was very hard growing up because the situation at home was not good. I had cases of abuse, but I then got advice from a mentor that spoke to me. now my life is way better.“
“The 6 Pack has helped me to guide myself, to have self control“
“In this 6 Pack you have shared with me I choose ‘Champion Men Define Themselves by Character’. This topic has helped me so much, because as someone who drinks, I now drink responsibly not with popular crowd. I don’t go to nightclubs, Taverns or Shebeen. I now love drinking where there are less people, at home. And this has helped me because I stay with my sister and brothers children, I can’t send send them to buy liquor at the stores. No! The 6 Pack has helped me to guide myself, to have self control. Because I stay with children & family I want to be a good example to them. I don’t want to drink in front of them. I make sure I am alone or my older brother when I drink. This has helped me a lot and has helped me to stay away from trouble. Stay away from accident, abuse of women or end up being in danger because of drunkenness from other people out there. I just stay home especially if I want to drink (alcohol) and enjoy myself. If I want to drink I just take my bag and go to buy what I need. I come back home and drink. That has helped me a lot, so I do wish that other brothers could get into this program and learn. Although other brothers don’t like to be taught the truth because truth hurts sometimes. But for me it helped me, opened my mind in the most important things I have ignored. I say: Your work and your team is great and wonderful!??“
“Thank you Brother, for helping me.“
“I’m done making excuses.“
“I would recommend this course to anyone, male or female.“
“I would like to applaud the work done by my Brother, Khomotso.“
“This programme is working.“
Stories reported by mentors
1. His suspicion nearly killed her.
He had been considering murdering his girlfriend due to suspicion of unfaithfulness.
He suffers from alcohol abuse and anger due to his upbringing as he witnessed his father abusing his mother when there were problems at home. As a result, he was jailed for more than 2 years on a previous assault on the same woman and at the stage of asking for help from the #NoExcuse team there was a protection order against him. He was heavily impacted by the six-pack training administered by our mentors and this has caused him to face his brokenness and seek healing for his childhood wounds and improve his anger management skills. Several months after he initially reached out he informed us that his relationship with his girlfriend has improved to such an extent that she has voluntarily cancelled the protection order as she is seeing a remarkable improvement in his behaviour and attitude.
2. He loves her, but was beating her.
An abusive man wanted help because he loves his partner deeply but was beating her, often unprovoked.
The mentor shared with him the videos from the online course and that became the basis of their conversations. After a number a weeks the client indicated he had better control of his emotions and had even reduced his drinking.
3. He wanted to hurt her
A man came out of jail and found that his girlfriend was involved with another man and she didn’t want a relationship with him anymore.
This made him extremely angry because he had been the breadwinner prior to going to prison and expected her to support him now that he had nothing. He was so angry that wanted to her hurt her to force her into taking him back. Using The 6 Pack of Champion Virtues the mentor was able to make him see over that his girlfriend moving on was not the end of the world, him not controlling his anger would land him right back in jail and she had the right to be with whoever she wants to be with. The client has since moved on with his life and they are still communicating to help keep on track.
4. Drinking led to beating
This man reached out because he was beating his wife when he had been drinking.
This man reached out because he was beating his wife when he had been drinking. He recently lost his job and acknowledged that this makes him feel less like a man because his wife is working and he wants her to know she’s not in charge. He’d started beating her in front of their 2 children (boy & girl) and although he always regretted his behaviour he felt unable to stop himself. The mentor helped him understand that life has seasons and one day his wife could be out of work and he’d have to support the family – that he would still have to play his role as a father. He advised him to find a way to love and support his family right now and be a good father to his children. The man is much happier now and has lifted the burden of his chest he has lessened his drinking, has apologised to his wife and children as well as contributes by cooking and cleaning while his wife is at work.
5. She was the abuser
A man reached out who was being abused by his partner and was too embarrassed to seek help because he felt he would be laughed at.
He had been retrenched and felt emasculated and depressed. The mentor encouraged him to take charge and find ways to improve the situation using elements of the 6 Pack of Champion Virtues by using his existing skills. When they last spoke he was planning to start a poultry farm to produce eggs and he was going to get his wife on board as she was still working and could invest capital.
6. Murder avoided
A young man from Nklandla was planning to hire men to kill his uncle.
About 10 years ago the uncle had killed his father and was never arrested because he was a known killer and no one in his family was prepared to testify against since they were scared. The young man’s anger has been growing because he sees the uncle almost daily, happily living his life and the young wanted revenge. The mentor counselled and encouraged him to accept his past because he can’t change it, to learn to live with the stigma of his past, to rather plan and focus on a positive future for himself. He told his bitterness and anger will not being his father back. He connected the young man to social workers to help him deal with the trauma.
7. Unemployed and violent at home
Mr Z has been unemployed for a while which has caused him to be defensive and violent at home.
He felt he needed to prove that he was a man by beating his wife in front of the children. He also suspected that his wife might be having an affair since he felt useless and that he did not deserve her because of the lack of income. He then was taken through the six-pack virtues by our mentor and was also given the visual that every time he is being violent to his wife, it is as if he is doing the same to the children. This was the opposite to his thoughts of thinking that he will be seen as a real man and a hero for the abuse. Since coming through the program, he testifies that there is peace at home and he is mindful about what he is teaching the next generation. He has never abused his wife since starting the program and they are now exploring better ways of opening communication and resolving conflict.
8. Suicidal and scared
This young man from the North West was suicidal because his parents no longer wanted to take care of him.
The mentor eventually got through to him about what it means to be a Champion Man and to take full responsibility of his life. The young man’s state of mind is improving and they are in an ongoing conversation.
9. Abuse led to abuse
This man was abused as a kid and that caused him to be angry and abusive towards his wife, children and community.
He started a journey of counseling and has not done it in a while but fears that he might go back. After joining one of the groups he says he feels a lot better and will start surrounding himself with positive brothers that he can talk to whenever he feels like he is having a problem and has started opening up.
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